JOKE ON PRESIDENT

(My spider post is under this one. This isn't a parody, it's just a joke I found.)


Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," a Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all killeded straight out. I done buried them all myself. Took most o' tha morn'n."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well, he kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he was."

Diary of A Mad Furry Spider

My horrid ordeal started when I was kidnapped by an evil scientist while visiting China and somehow was transformed into an itsy-bitsy spider. And it only got worse from there. I managed to escape my cage, and just before I made it to the window, BAM! I got swatted by a flyswatter.

"HAHA, PUNY SPIDER! IF I CAN'T EXPIRIMENT ON YOU, YOU SHALL DIEEEEE!" the mad lady screamed.

I cried in my squeaky voice, "Evasive Manuvers!" and jumped onto the flyswatter, and began skittering up it, and jumped onto the horrid woman's face. She screamed in terror and tried to swat me away. Without thinking, I rushed across her cheek, tripped, and fell into a very smelly, dark, and waxy crevice-like thing.

I couldn't see the mad scientist, but I could hear her angry voice and crazy ramblings. I wouldv'e ran for it, but I was too traumatized by my ordeal. It was almost a blessing when I was washed out of the woman's ear at the hospital. I quickly slipped away, and I am most certainly glad my aweful expirience is over- even if I'm still stuck in spider-form.

The Sun's The Center of The Universe, Not You.

I was a bad little kid around the age of four or so. (Okay, so I still have my moments) I was spoiled, and I thought I was the most important person in the world so everyone should be thinking about me and want to entertain me. Then, one life changing day, I learned that the sun was the center of the universe, and I was just a little kid stuck on a tiny planet in space. So remember, children: You don't matter half as much as you think you do.

My Dad's Favorite Life Lesson: Money Matters!

My Mom's Favorite Life Lesson: Money Grows on Trees! So Spend Some!

Either Way, I'm Good

Weeeeell, if I had to choose between being rich and ugly or poor and smoke'n hot, in the long run, I'd be cool with being rich and ugly.

My reason is even if you looked like the clone of Marilyn Monroe, when you get old, you get wrinkles, lines, saggy skin, and a number of other unattractive things that- sadly- comes with age. In short, beauty fades, but with the right investments and savings, money lasts forever.

Or at least until you finally kick the bucket, and you're adopted kids- I wouldn't want to curse my children with the extreme ugliness that came with getting all that cash- squander the fortune until they're all homeless and sleeping inside McDonalds with McBurger wrappers as pillows.

1st Week of School

For me, the first week of school was like a smack in the face.

A hard smack in the face.

Suddenly, I realized that I was facing another nine months of waking up early, running clear across campus every forty-five minutes to avoid lunch detention, and trying to remember homework and when to study for tests. Needless to say, I have mixed feelings.

So far, none of my classes have been too demanding. The only downside I see to this year so far is that I barely have any time to read books. But other than that, Sophomore year seems to be smooth sailing.